I hate HMOs.
I don't know what it is with me and HMOs; we're from two different universes, or something. Whenever I end up having to go to one FOR ANY REASON, I get caught up in red tape and find it nigh on impossible to accomplish anything.

Take today, for instance. My brother Timothy (Babbitt) was sick (they thought it might've been strep throat, though the preliminary tests turn up negative and we'll get the official results, like, tomorrow) and I had to take him to the doctor's office. Which means, of course, good ol' Kaiser Permanente. Now, I figured that this would go easily, because we: A). Had an appointment for 9am this morning, B). Got there on time, and C). Knew exactly what information to give them to identify him without his Kaiser ID card (which my mom probably has). Of course, they don't care if you get there on time or not (as long as you're not HORRIBLY late), they'll still somehow manage to get everything tangled up with the check-in process.

First, we gave her Babbitt's birthdate, then his last name. Then his first name. Then his middle initial. Then, she couldn't find the appointment. Which was odd, as it was definitely reserved. So, we started from the other end--with his NAME instead of some numbers. This time, she found him, but needed to confirm his birthdate (for some reason, they had my other brother Sean (SpamOMan)'s birthdate in there instead of Babbitt's) and change it in the system.

Meanwhile, we'd been standing at the check-in desk for, like, five minutes trying to check in (which is usually the easiest part). Finally, she's done FIXING THEIR DATA ERROR, and she hands us the sign-in sheet. The whole checkup took only about thirty minutes, we got his doctor's note because he'd missed school, and then we were done. But for some reason, we took five times as long as everyone else to check in because they're too incompetent to input data into their computers and/or too stupid to ask for someone's NAME for check-in.

I guess that all things considered, this visit wasn't too bad. My previous experiences with them have been, though--I broke my leg several years ago on a Sunday and we had to go into their After-Hours Care Facility in Denver because our local branch was closed. Which was understandable, as they're not a real hospital, just a huge, corporate-run doctor's office with a freaking ESPRESSO STAND in their waiting area. Anyway, we went down to their after-hours care facility, they took X-rays to find that it was broken (the fact that my ankle looked like a balloon was enough to convince me), and then they put the cast on it. No problem. They said we could get the cast taken off at our local branch (instead of driving 25 miles into Denver to get it taken care of), and we left.

Weeks later, when I could literally walk on the foot again (though I was still wearing a cast), we went to our local Kaiser. After the check-in process, I clomped back to the orthopedic area and they took an X-ray (just to make sure it wasn't broken anymore). Then, we proceeded to wait for AN HOUR while they checked the X-ray and sent it to the original branch we'd gone to (the after-hours care one) for comparison with my last X-ray, or something.

Eventually, after an hour of waiting, they told us that their system for sending X-rays back and forth between branches (which they called the "Bone Phone," which I assume to mean some manner of complicated, high-tech fax machine designed for X-rays) wasn't working and they couldn't get confirmation that my leg was healed from the original orthopedic surgeon. So I had to go down to the after-hours care facility AGAIN to get the cast off.

Now, I assume that had I gone to our local branch in the first place (if it had been open, that is), they would've had someone on hand who's qualified to, let's say, diagnose a broken leg. It seems like they'd have someone who could do that, since they have all the equipment to aid in the diagnosing process. And, it would stand to reason that I'm not their only customer, so they'd have someone like that on hand AT ALL TIMES when they're open, in case someone else has a broken bone at some point. But, apparently, nobody could simply look at my X-ray and say "he's healed." And then take the cast off. Which is all I needed these bureaucratic fools to do in the first place.

Anyway, we had to go down to the other branch. Which isn't just around the corner, so we had to do it on a different day (which actually turned out to be the following week). Once we were there, I didn't even have to see a surgeon, the NURSE took the X-ray, diagnosed that the bone was healed, and took the cast off. Problem solved.

Maybe it's just my branch that's populated by incompetent people. The after-hours care place sure takes good care of me.

It's not just the one incident, with the wearing of a cast for an extra week and all, that has soured my impression of Kaiser. About a month ago, I caught some kind of death-flu complete with cough, aching head, runny nose, and about every symptom described in the NyQuil commercials. Runny eyes, everything. I seemed to cough all night long sometimes, which did a particularly good job of wrecking my voice OVER ST. PATRICK'S DAY WEEKEND. Well, this was before St. Patrick's Day that I actually called them, hoping to set up an appointment and figure out what I'd caught and what they might prescribe to take care of it (as I'd had it for about two weeks at that point and couldn't seem to get my voice back).

So, first I called their main office. They told me to call my local branch. So I called my local branch. I had to describe my symptoms to the receptionist, then get transferred to an actual nurse or doctor and describe them again. I said I'd had these symptoms for two weeks and didn't seem to be getting better, so she said to start taking Robitussin DM. I'd been taking Mucinex DM, which is a caplet instead of a syrup that's designed for the same symptoms, and told her as much, but she told me to just take the Robitussin and see if the symptoms persisted.

I mean, really. "I have a cold and cough and I've lost my voice from coughing so much. What can I do?" "Take some cough medicine." "Oh, really? I'd never have thought of that! This is why I pay you so much money, to tell me to take COUGH MEDICINE, which is the FIRST THING I STARTED DOING!"

The symptoms did persist for about another week (and it took another week and a half for my voice to truly return at all), but damned if I was gonna call THEM again. Maybe I can change my branch... I mean, it'll mean driving farther, but they'll probably actually offer treatment instead of indecisiveness and common sense information.

Anyway, that's enough ranting for now. Have a nice day!
The Insane Space Hunter